Since I posted last I've been poked and prodded, had surgery, proven that you can live off whipped potatoes for 4 days while in the hospital. Everyone believes I left the hospital without my constant companion - Can Sa. My hospital stay was great; the people there were caring, compassionate and treated me like I was part of their families. I can't say enough good things about those folks despite a couple of situations that required a strong sense of humor - for both the patient and the caregivers. I am now home and recuperating; getting prepared for the road ahead. Yes, the road ahead is longer than expected but one thing is certain. Limbo no more!
Can Sa journeys are measured in so many ways. Staging, grading, type of cancer. Stages range from one to four; grades are along the same scale. Personally I wish the scale ran up to 10 but that isn't the way it works. Your emotions are constantly evaluated. Will you handle it? Can you handle it? It is one big fat report card that you have to get during the medical equivalent of a parent-teacher conference and then you carry it around. It is your E ticket to various rides available only to those in the Cancer Park. Even when you get in the Park there can be a pecking order of sorts. There has to be if you think about it. Staging and grading help everyone figure out who needs to get to the front of the line most quickly. I've learned that if the Superstar Doctor is running late - it is because someone else needs him at that time more than I do. And I am okay with that. I say a mental prayer for whoever he is helping and also for him. His time is precious but in my experience when the Superstar is with us we feel like we are his only patients. Ever. He needs the prayers as much as the patients do.
If you are, or know anyone - on a Can Sa journey you know this involves a lot of time in waiting rooms. With strangers. When the SO and I are in the waiting rooms we tend to be pretty quiet and sit in the shadows. We are new to this and unsure of the social boundaries. I tend to acknowledge other people briefly and immerse myself in - well nothing. I've learned I can make myself look awfully busy. I've seen many people like me there, others who were outgoing and talkative and yet others who make their situations known to the receptionist and the whole waiting room. They have cancer, they are in pain and can't be delayed. Some can be competitive about it even. Personally this isn't a competition I am interested in at all. I feel for those people especially, the stress is wearing them down.
The SO and I were in a waiting room last week after my surgery. We were there for a post op checkup,removal of various things that shouldn't ever be in anyone's body and to review the final pathology of my Can Sa. I was nervous and in some pain, couldn't sit comfortably. I ended up moving to a different type of chair and had to stretch my legs out to ease the pain a little. The meds weren't cutting it. A woman came in and sat down next to me. Out of the blue she asked how long it had been since my surgery. She shared with me that she had surgery in the same area. That I'll start to feel better but will have some pain even after a year. She talked about her surgery and the follow up appointments over the year since it had taken place.
I got comfortable and asked her a few questions until it became apparent that our surgeries were very different. She had the same fears that I now have but I also saw the same positive spirit I think I have. Her name got called and she mentioned her cancer stage and asked about mine. I saw in her eyes compassion and curiousity. I think she understood my answer even though I never gave it. I had an instant of wanting to switch stages with her but I also knew her Can SA experience was as stressful and scary as mine despite our different stages and grades. You see one of the things I've also learned is that we want to find exact kindred spirits in this journey. Stage, grade, type and outlook. We want to look at each other and see a mirrored reflection of ourselves and our situation, see hope. I realized I couldn't give her the reflection she wanted to see, the her of a year ago but I could give positive thoughts for her continued journey. And on her side? She gave me the encouragement and boost I needed at that moment; that I can handle this no matter how complicated because she believed I could. Because she told me I'll be fine and I needed to hear that.
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