Wow, this Can-Sa thing is really taking over my life. And that of the SO and the Fabulous Support System. Well maybe not taking over theirs but it sure feels that way to me. I'm learning a ton of things along the way already. Most of them are positive but I have had my moments of not-so-positive too.
One of the lessons I am taking away already is really focusing on being present and in the moment. I always thought I was pretty good about that and pretty flexible on a number of things. After all, I am a middle child in a somewhat large family. My ever present uterine baseball and its little cellural friends have taught me that I need to be even more open and flexible. It isn't like I can control or manage this anyways; just how I handle it.
On Monday I was lucky enough to go to Opening Day at Dodger Stadium. That is a really special experience at any ballpark in any city in the country. And yes, I am closet baseball fan and love the Reds. Anyone who knows me well knows: a) I think Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame; especially given some of the drugged thugs that have been admitted since he played; and b) I was very happy to see Pete Rose's jersey in the one of the first displays in Cooperstown when the SO and I were there 2 summers ago. It was like someone with my sense of humor (and that of many of my friends) found a way to pimp the voters anyways.
So back to this living in the moment thing. After the game I had an infield pass which lets you mingle with various people, certain Dodgers, various celebrities and local media. The BFF kept joking that this was my Make A Wish Foundation gift and I better appreciate it. But truly, I was there with some work friends so I had to be on good behavior. Until Matt Kemp walked over. Every one around us parted like Moses and the Red Sea. People were worshipping him and trying to get his ear, pictures taken and be a part of the glory that is Matt Kemp. So naturally when he came over to where I was standing I simply introduced myself to him to the shock of my co-workers. He seemed nice enough, extended his hand and introduced himself to me too. (As if I didn't know who he was.) Then Andre Ethier appeared. My version is that I didn't want to be rude to him either so I introduced myself; he offered to have a picture taken and put his arm around me. A so-called Witness to the "alleged incident" has a different version. In his retelling of the story I chased Andre across the infield, pushed some little kids out of the way and forced him to take a picture with me. Which supposedly he did while frantically gesturing for security. Now one thing we agree upon is that I put my hand on his chest for the picture. BTW the SO said he totally understood my behavior - Can-Sa and all of that. I'd like to think I was simply living in the moment; others think there are laws that may have been broken. Total Upside either way based on the end result.
The flexibility part is really getting tested these days. As a friend of mine told me, every Can-Sa journey is unique - how your body and you handle it can't be judged by anyone else. When I suggested to her, a colon and breast cancer survivor (she hates that term) - that mine wasn't that bad compared to most other people she really got upset with me. She pointed out that while everyone thinks there is a plan and way to do things no one is walking in my shoes. And if this cancer is the only one I have to deal with in my life - it is still cancer and can't be compared to anyone elses. That I need to do what is right for me (hence the Andre Ethier groping incident) and pay attention to what is going on with me. Which is good because I am experiencing fatigue that I didn't expect at all. And I haven't spoken with anyone who has had this although to be true most of the people I've spoken with have other types of cancers or had fibroids that weren't malignant. I was overthinking it; there was no way this fatigue could be a simple thing right? Until the Superstar Doctor simply said - you've lost and continue to lose a lot of blood which makes people tired. You need to rest. And he gave me some ideas of things to look for in case the blood levels get too low which they already are somewhat. In my brain somewhere I probably knew that was the answer but just didn't accept it for some reason. But now I do and I realize I just have to go with the flow. Literally. And if that means working from home than that is what I'll do. Being more flexible is caused by some not so great things but is also opening up new doors for me. So flexibility is a Downside-Upside for me right now.
Finally, patience and advocacy. One can never have too much of this. Someone once told me we aren't supposed to ask God for these qualities because the word on the street is that He shows you that you have them is by repeatedly testing you for them. And believe me, I've been tested lately. Dealing with the complex organization called the healthcare industry will do that for sure. I keep thinking I have an advantage navigating complex organizations just based on what I do for a living. Little did I know. I've been waiting for almost two months for a surgery date to hopefully end this journey with Can-Sa. Many doctors appointments, tests, calls, paperwork. And I wasn't getting an answer on the date just that they were waiting for the HMO to approve this. No need to get involved on my part. The new me decided I should get involved. So I simply called the HMO to find out what the delay was. Turned out the paperwork filed by the doctor's office was missing one thing and had an error too. Which had the HMO treating this as a normal, laproscopic hysterectomy - which believe me - I wish I was having. Initially the folks in the Superstar's office didn't have the sense of urgency to straighten this out that I needed them to have. So I created it for them. Reminded them that while Can-Sa is routine to them it certainly isn't to me and I am sure not many of their patients. Let them know how to fix the problem, that I wasn't interested in re-hashing what caused the issue. And finally thanked them for taking the calls I'd been placing. We now have a surgery date and my job is to - again, be patient until that happens. And to continue to advocate for myself and remind people this is my Can-Sa even if it is their line of business. Patience and Advocacy. Things I can use throughout my life so it is all Upside here.
For me positivity is the only way to go. I get that it can be annoying and some people might think I am burying my head in the sand, not willing to face what is going on. That isn't the case for me. The challenges I have in this journey, aside from the obvious - are being vulnerable and opening myself up to the experience, the love and support that is all around me. Telling people what I need and don't need (hopefully in a nice way). Letting the Fabulous Support System participate in this too because this doen't just affect me - it affects those around me. And for someone who hates being the center of attention to take it in, accept it and grow from this. Nothing but Upside-Upside.
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