Here I am in this new chapter of my life that I am starting to think of as Limbo. You know, that period of time where you are waiting and relying on others for something to happen? In general I am a pretty focused person; I take care of things and keep marching forward. I don't normally live in Limbo; workwise or lifewise. I'm one of those annoyingly positive people who like to problem solve. Which can cause problems in its own way but it is always done out of love.
Patience isn't a strong point of mine either. I get that from those people who raised me and grew up with me. Life meant to be lived and laughed; be in the moment but don't cling to it because there is another moment around the corner. So Limbo is certainly not a state that I do well with; I can't manage it or speed it up. I just have to fill it and manage the way I handle it. I know I have Can-Sa but don't know exactly what we are going to do about it. I know I have to have surgery and now it looks like there could be more treatments but don't know if that is the case or when that will happen. The next big date on my calendar is in two weeks and I feel like I am in Limbo until then.
In my true style I decided I would just fill the time and be as busy as possible. This pleases That Woman aka my mother because she is not an advocate of "just laying around". The problem is that my body, and doctors disagree. My main doctor - The Angel - called me the other day. Now I know the contact numbers I gave started with my office phone, then my cell and finally my home phone. I figured I would rarely be at home; my routine wouldn't change. What I didn't expect was getting sick with a fever which kept me home. I was told to stay home for 24 hours after the fever broke; it was probably just a warning sign that my body was still recovering from my hospital stay. So the phone rings, at home, and the person on the other line says "Good! You are where you are supposed to be!" It is the Angel. We talked about some test results and she asked me how I was feeling about them and the temporary plan of attack. "Are you in?" she asked. "Because I need to know. If you aren't I need to know that too." I told her I was in and game for pushing through this. She asked if the SO was too and then reminded me to rest and said she'll be calling to make sure I am. I need to be in good shape for surgery and beyond. And again, no to the Tummy Tuck suggestion. I checked my other phones later and she hadn't even tried to call them. I guess that is her way of sending me the message about what she thinks the priorities are. I can't imagine what she would've said if she caught me at the office.
As we talked and then hung up the Dogs were by my side. As always. The Brown Dog was laying on the bed and The Black Dog? Right by the side of the bed. Now I know their daily routine has been rocked lately. I've changed my work routine so I am home in the mornings taking conference calls and doing my "office work" and then out in the afternoons for the meetings I need to do in person. This fits with my medicine routine; meds early in the am, nap a little between calls and really nauseous until noonish. Then a manageable sick and tired feeling until 4 or so. I get home and sleep for a couple of hours until the SO arrives then start the whole cycle all over again. The Dogs aren't used to this. I think when we are out of the house they rest and guard the house until we get back but that is it. The Dogwalker usually comes mid-day and they sleep until I get home. Now I am here and they are on duty.
The SO thinks they know I am battling something. He thinks they've known since before we knew because for the last couple of months they've been attached to me. If I was napping, one of them was right there. If I went to the bathroom, or the library as I like to call it - one of them laid by the door until I came out. I have to be honest, it was getting a little annoying. But now I look at it differently.
In our new routine they both watch me while I am feeling the worst. When I start to feel better they take turns. One of them goes outside and patrols the backyard, or sunbathes or has conversations with the neighbors' dogs while the other Dog stays with me. After an hour or so they trade places. This goes on until I leave or the SO gets home. This changing of the guard is handled silently by them. They've assigned themselves their roles and my job is to flow with it. I am starting to get used to The Black Dog's staring at me. When I first got home I slept a lot and she would sit by me. I could feel her breath on me and everytime I opened my eyes - there were hers. Just staring. At me. It freaked me out a little. The Brown Dog? When he is on duty he likes to have body contact with me. Not his full 90 pound body, just a little touch. If I am in bed he is there too - usually positioned so he can watch the street, or sky, or ridgeline out the window. But he always has a paw up touching my leg through the covers. Sometimes he goes for full body contact, usually if I am feverish or cold.
When the SO arrives home the Dogs relax. They play with each other or try to engage him. They play with me too if I am up or energetic. It is like their job shifts from protecting to playful; to keeping us laughing and moving around. At night, they go off duty until the next morning. My old role around here was organizing things, running the routine and taking care of them and the SO. This change from caretaker to being taken care of - not easy for any of us. But apparently easiest for The Black Dog and The Brown Dog. So my new goal related to Limbo is to take it one day at a time. Instead of watching the clock and calendar to note the smaller things and enjoy them. To understand that this nauseous thing is a sign of my body fighting the fight with some medicinal help. It isn't a sign of weakness but strength. And that this in-house support system has always been there, waiting for the right time to jump in.
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