Limbo and Dog Days

Here I am in this new chapter of my life that I am starting to think of as Limbo. You know, that period of time where you are waiting and relying on others for something to happen? In general I am a pretty focused person; I take care of things and keep marching forward. I don't normally live in Limbo; workwise or lifewise. I'm one of those annoyingly positive people who like to problem solve. Which can cause problems in its own way but it is always done out of love.

Patience isn't a strong point of mine either. I get that from those people who raised me and grew up with me. Life meant to be lived and laughed; be in the moment but don't cling to it because there is another moment around the corner. So Limbo is certainly not a state that I do well with; I can't manage it or speed it up. I just have to fill it and manage the way I handle it. I know I have Can-Sa but don't know exactly what we are going to do about it. I know I have to have surgery and now it looks like there could be more treatments but don't know if that is the case or when that will happen. The next big date on my calendar is in two weeks and I feel like I am in Limbo until then.

In my true style I decided I would just fill the time and be as busy as possible. This pleases That Woman aka my mother because she is not an advocate of "just laying around". The problem is that my body, and doctors disagree. My main doctor - The Angel - called me the other day. Now I know the contact numbers I gave started with my office phone, then my cell and finally my home phone. I figured I would rarely be at home; my routine wouldn't change. What I didn't expect was getting sick with a fever which kept me home. I was told to stay home for 24 hours after the fever broke; it was probably just a warning sign that my body was still recovering from my hospital stay. So the phone rings, at home, and the person on the other line says "Good! You are where you are supposed to be!" It is the Angel. We talked about some test results and she asked me how I was feeling about them and the temporary plan of attack. "Are you in?" she asked. "Because I need to know. If you aren't I need to know that too." I told her I was in and game for pushing through this. She asked if the SO was too and then reminded me to rest and said she'll be calling to make sure I am. I need to be in good shape for surgery and beyond. And again, no to the Tummy Tuck suggestion. I checked my other phones later and she hadn't even tried to call them. I guess that is her way of sending me the message about what she thinks the priorities are. I can't imagine what she would've said if she caught me at the office.

As we talked and then hung up the Dogs were by my side. As always. The Brown Dog was laying on the bed and The Black Dog? Right by the side of the bed. Now I know their daily routine has been rocked lately. I've changed my work routine so I am home in the mornings taking conference calls and doing my "office work" and then out in the afternoons for the meetings I need to do in person. This fits with my medicine routine; meds early in the am, nap a little between calls and really nauseous until noonish. Then a manageable sick and tired feeling until 4 or so. I get home and sleep for a couple of hours until the SO arrives then start the whole cycle all over again. The Dogs aren't used to this. I think when we are out of the house they rest and guard the house until we get back but that is it. The Dogwalker usually comes mid-day and they sleep until I get home. Now I am here and they are on duty.

The SO thinks they know I am battling something. He thinks they've known since before we knew because for the last couple of months they've been attached to me. If I was napping, one of them was right there. If I went to the bathroom, or the library as I like to call it - one of them laid by the door until I came out. I have to be honest, it was getting a little annoying. But now I look at it differently.

In our new routine they both watch me while I am feeling the worst. When I start to feel better they take turns. One of them goes outside and patrols the backyard, or sunbathes or has conversations with the neighbors' dogs while the other Dog stays with me. After an hour or so they trade places. This goes on until I leave or the SO gets home. This changing of the guard is handled silently by them. They've assigned themselves their roles and my job is to flow with it. I am starting to get used to The Black Dog's staring at me. When I first got home I slept a lot and she would sit by me. I could feel her breath on me and everytime I opened my eyes - there were hers. Just staring. At me. It freaked me out a little. The Brown Dog? When he is on duty he likes to have body contact with me. Not his full 90 pound body, just a little touch. If I am in bed he is there too - usually positioned so he can watch the street, or sky, or ridgeline out the window. But he always has a paw up touching my leg through the covers. Sometimes he goes for full body contact, usually if I am feverish or cold.

When the SO arrives home the Dogs relax. They play with each other or try to engage him. They play with me too if I am up or energetic. It is like their job shifts from protecting to playful; to keeping us laughing and moving around. At night, they go off duty until the next morning. My old role around here was organizing things, running the routine and taking care of them and the SO. This change from caretaker to being taken care of - not easy for any of us. But apparently easiest for The Black Dog and The Brown Dog. So my new goal related to Limbo is to take it one day at a time. Instead of watching the clock and calendar to note the smaller things and enjoy them. To understand that this nauseous thing is a sign of my body fighting the fight with some medicinal help. It isn't a sign of weakness but strength. And that this in-house support system has always been there, waiting for the right time to jump in.

Welcome to the Club; Patience and Sense of Humor Required.

I have reached the age that as you hit that milestone birthday people welcome you to the club. I like this club. I am comfortable with it and am very relaxed about it. So different than the other clubs I participated in over the course of my life but so awesome.

Now I've never been a person to aspire to any sort of elite or exclusive club. Being a military brat my brothers and I spent plenty of time at the Officer's Clubs; swimming and hanging out with our friends, enjoying brunches after Mass or on really special occasions - having dinner there. It was later, as a tween that I became aware of the caste system of the military clubs though my friends whose fathers were non-commissioned or enlisted. That was the beginning of realizing there is a group of people always on the outside looking in.

The bros and I also got our fill of clubs when we'd visit our relatives in NY. I always thought they were quite fancy with the golf clubs and mens' clubs. Our much beloved Uncle D belongs to a club that counts Governors, industry leaders in a variety of fields and yes, even a couple of Presidents among its membership. What I remember about going there was the usual speed shopping trip to find clothes appropriate for dinner there because I rarely packed correctly for those visits much to my mother's chagrin. (I am sure that is why I picked up an addiction to cashmere, good shoes and nice pearls.)

I wasn't the kind of girl who joined a sorority - as a matter of fact the college I attended didn't even have sororities when I was there. I have a number of friends who were sorority girls at other schools and always felt I tasted enough of Greek life through time spent with them on their campuses with their "sisters" and the cute boys who were always around them. But in retrospect, even without sororities my college girlfriends and I felt like sisters (and still do in most cases) and there were plenty of cute boys who were always around.

While I got older I was able to experience other clubs; business clubs, country clubs and airline clubs. I appreciated them all but was fine with, or without them. As I approached, and turned - 50 I felt like I really hit a milestone. No crisis, just a celebration of the age and a more casual outlook. It is a little known secret that this Club is fun to be a part of. I am so happy to be a part of it. As you get close to the age you hear the jokes, you start to look at yourself differently and look at others through that age filter.

Recently I became a member of an exclusive club that 49,999 other women are expected to join in 2013. Talk about limited membership. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer; Stage 1B or possibly 2. I don't know any of these other women but already feel a sisterhood with them; a sense of inside the club versus outside looking in. By comparison - approximately 232,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. The details of my cancer are still unfolding and yes, I view it as my cancer. Just like my glasses, my feet and my arms. It is now a part of me even after it is long gone which btw - it will be in short order.

My BFF and I have decided to refer to it as Can-sa (which is pronounced how I typed it out). Best said in a whisper - ideally while talking about me in the third person to someone else. In front of me. This is straight out of a movie - St. Elmo's Fire and a scene where one of the girls takes her crush to her parents' house for dinner. There he learns that the mother only whispers anything too awful to say out loud such as cancer or prison, with a Queens accent. (I have always loved that movie and scene.) So there you have it.

I am lucky and I've always said so. In this case I am really lucky. Like the other women in my new club the prognosis is very good. If there is a cancer considered curable - this is the one. There might be further treatments after my surgery and I am I sure can handle them. Because I also belong to another ultra exclusive club. This club consists of all of the people in my life. The Bros, Bonuses, Touchstones, Railposts and Fenceposts. Park City friends, work friends, couples friends. The Brown Dog, the Black Dog and most important the SO. I am lucky to belong to this club; the benefits are great and the food is pretty good too.