I am thinking that this new chapter in my life, the one with C - needs to be documented. I need to document it for myself because when I close this chapter and move on I want to look back and remind myself that I can do anything. Which apparently the SO has always thought but I didn't really buy into until now.
The SO is a very wise and practical guy. He is an amazing combination of the corporate guy, the former deadhead and my personal entertainment. Watching him crack himself up over something I didn't quite get, or seeing him get serious and analytical in tackling a problem - I love those moments. We have times where my day is made by getting him to laugh. His nature is that of a caretaker. That is what makes him a great father to the bonuses, a good son and brother and friend. He always surprises me with some of the quietly thoughtful things he'll do. We have a niece who was in the hospital for over a month with a serious illness that culminated in her having to undergo major surgery. I was in close contact with her and her parents - sharing encouragement and good vibes. What did the SO do? He, and Bonus #2 (birth order and nothing else), conspired to send a large cheesecake to the hospital. To the staff in the unit she was in. To say thanks for their hard work. He wouldn't have mentioned it to anyone if word about this hadn't appeared on Facebook. And that is what I love about him. (And #2.) He is all about the random acts of kindness. Just ask various domestically challenged people hanging out on Bunker Hill in downtown LA. Anytime he walks by a fast food restaurant at lunch he buys a lunch and bottle of water and then proceeds to give that to the first domestically challenged person who will take it. And I only know about this because I asked about his frequent debits at a certain establishment that has Golden Arches, usually after debits at a Chinese restaurant, California Pizza Kitchen or a former hang out of ours when we were dating. When I am with the SO things happen.
When you are with C in many ways it is like being the person allowed past the velvet ropes into the coolest club. The Can-sa Buddy pointed out to me that she realized this was serious when she was moved to the front of a lot of lines for tests, appointments - whatever it took. This came home to me when I had to get an updated mammogram and got it scheduled and completed within 24 hours of calling about it. I could've had it done in 4 hours but I had some work commitments that I wanted to stick with. C brings people into your life that you never would have expected. The Pharmacist personally asks how I am doing. The Angel Doctor calls me herself to check in. Can-sa creates a small town feeling for me in this huge healthcare world.
Last week the SO and I went to meet with the bigwig doctor aka The SuperStar. This was a big sitdown about what was going on, what should go on and how we were going make it happen. The SuperStar is the kind of doctor that you seek out and want to work with if you can. Because he is highly sought after he is selective about his clients. The cases he works with are more complex in nature than - say the Angel Doctor's. Hers apparently are a little more ordinary as if any of this is ordinary. So here I am looking at another club that I've gone from dreading to being qualified for - to begging to get in. Well almost. The good news was that while my kind of C got me past the velvet ropes it didn't get me into the VIP room that has bottle service.
When you are in The SuperStar's waiting room the feeling is strange. Everyone who is there is in a similar situation and emotions are running high. There was a woman and her mother - they were chatty and friendly - but I noticed they were clutching each other's hands tightly. There was an elderly woman and her husband. They were probably in their early 70s. She seemed very kind and greeted everyone; he was very polite and reserved. They went in to meet with the SuperStar and the man came out alone. At this time it was just the SO, the man and me. We were all sitting and pretending to be immersed in whatever was on the TV or in the SO's case - checking work emails. But we were just trying to stay distracted; especially since the man - in a very dignified manner - had tears rolling down his cheeks. I quietly peeked at him and mentally said a prayer for them; all the while hoping the SO is never in that position. Or anyone at all for that matter.
After two hours spent with The SuperStar we both left there in a better frame of mind. That there is a tentative plan of attack. We were also exhausted by the information and emotions and ready to get on with it. When you leave these kind of appointments its strange because you sort of vault back into the normal routine; it is like for two hours you were in an alternative universe. Work emails were piling up, voicemails and returning calls to fabulous support system. When you are with C and in that club those are the responsibilities. Pushing forward and getting on with it. And in my case, being with C reminds me to appreciate the job, the health insurance, the support system, the experience of others going through this, the Bonuses and the SO. I'm ready for my time with C to end, we need to part ways and I'll be happy living the ordinary life I was already living.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
You can do this. It won't be fun. We'll get through it together.
I am an avid dog lover with my heart given to The Black Dog and The Brown Dog. Okay, I shouldn't forget the SO or the Bonuses; the pups are close second behind them. Close enough behind them that on occasion the fam might even feel second rate at times. Which makes me feel badly - for the dogs. What kind of monsters have I created?
These days those two monsters are my constant companions. They watch over me like a hawk and give the SO a hard time if they think he isn't watching closely enough. Which he always is by the way. Lucky me. Watching the dogs I am learning to slow down and pay attention to what is going on around me. I always tend to think that their SoCal life is very different from their days in the mountains of Utah. That they miss the wildlife and the openness - not only of our former home but the open space around that home. The Brown Dog and his weekly climb up our rock retaining wall to run the trails with our neighbor's dog until I could find him and treat bribe him home. The Black Dog touching noses with a young male moose through the screen of our bedroom window one spring. And my storm watching from our living room or deck; snow storms, lightning storms and rainbows.
Our home in SoCal is in a neighborhood that is, diplomatically - very neighborly. Houses are close to one another although angled in a way that creates privacy. Yards are separated by cinderblock walls and strategically placed trees. In Park City the dogs would sometimes get involved in barking conversations that went on between the houses in our neighborhoods. Everyone took their turn, no interruptions and to me - it seemed like a clear passing of information up and down the street. Most of the time this was around moose sightings or certain dogs and their human companions - availing themselves of our yards without picking up. (The dogs not the humans; I hope.) Here in SoCal the dog chitchat seems to be more around announcing it is time for the evening walk and they are on the way (the four Bassett Hounds), the Maltipoo across the street alerting everyone to coyotes in the canyon below and the German Shepherd announcing he has patrolled the streets with his human companion and all is well. The Brown Dog is on alert, either watching through our upstairs bedroom window or the gate by our pool; alternating between greeting people who are part of the regular routine or sounding the alarm on interlopers. And The Black Dog? She is more focused on the weather and making sure all are safe if it is windy or rainy or too hot. Their version of Limbo is like mine, killing the time between gathering information and acting on it.
When you are in my stage of Limbo, you are living with an uninvited guest - Can-sa. In Limbo your mind takes over between doctors appointments and next steps. To keep myself on the positive path I am focusing on seeing things and opening myself up in a way that I never have before. I notice the dogs and their routines. I am, finally, paying attention to the messages my body is sending me and I am developing a new appreciation for the little things the SO does that I may have taken for granted in the past. That is the beauty for me of Limbo. I decided to go with positivity although I certainly have my moments that aren't as positive. Luckily for me I have a very unexpected Can-sa Buddy. Not that my support system isn't doing a great job but sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who has been on, or is on - the same path you are.
My Can-sa Buddy is someone I have had respect for since the day we met. I can't say we've been particularly close but I know when I am around her I really enjoy her company. She was diagnosed with breast Can-sa earlier this year. We spoke about it only a couple of times while she was trying to sort it out; her worries for her family, her job and ability to go through various therapies for a year that weren't initially part of the plan. I had nothing to add to the conversation but support and an ear. Little did I know that one conversation about a week before my own diagnosis prepared me for the events to come.
Now I hate like hell that she has this; but on the other hand - I am so glad to have her to share this experience with. She gets it. And my situation isn't even that bad relatively speaking. We talked the other week and I shared my still unfolding diagnosis with her. One of the challenges I've had is with my body's response to some medications I am on. I've been constantly sick and exhausted which no one foresaw. Lucky me - in the elite tiny group of people who have this reaction. And I am beginning to worry thinking this is supposed to be the easy part. My Can-sa Buddy, aka the CB - understood and was able to talk me through it. (Looking back, I am not sure she knew how stressed I was.) She reminded me to take things a day at a time; to set boundaries and put this first. Reminded me of that one conversation we had which was all about the same issues - for her. She shared her fears with me about her upcoming chemotherapy which was going to start shortly. She also shared her feelings of support and love - from both expected and unexpected places. She reminded me to remain open and calm. We both pull each other up when we need to and allow the comfort of a little breakdown when we need to do that too.
I was at home the other day, working and dealing with some unexpected fallout from a bad food and med mix. I was probably overthinking things. The SO, the family, the dogs and friends, work. It seemed overwhelming. My two canine companions were by my side all day; rotating in and out and resting when I slept. Their presence was very comforting. I kept thanking about my CB too. When we last spoke, only a couple of days ago she was preparing for her first chemo treatment. We laughed about some of the strange things we are experiencing and acknowledged that our paths are different too. After we hung up she sent me a follow up email which I didn't expect at all; it cheered me up. I decided to keep it and remember it as the dogs surround me, the SO does those unexpected things; as the Bonuses, family, friends and Touchstones check in. Now I have the CB to add to this fabulous support system. And I hope I am part of hers too.
"You can do this. It won't be fun. We'll get through it together."
These days those two monsters are my constant companions. They watch over me like a hawk and give the SO a hard time if they think he isn't watching closely enough. Which he always is by the way. Lucky me. Watching the dogs I am learning to slow down and pay attention to what is going on around me. I always tend to think that their SoCal life is very different from their days in the mountains of Utah. That they miss the wildlife and the openness - not only of our former home but the open space around that home. The Brown Dog and his weekly climb up our rock retaining wall to run the trails with our neighbor's dog until I could find him and treat bribe him home. The Black Dog touching noses with a young male moose through the screen of our bedroom window one spring. And my storm watching from our living room or deck; snow storms, lightning storms and rainbows.
Our home in SoCal is in a neighborhood that is, diplomatically - very neighborly. Houses are close to one another although angled in a way that creates privacy. Yards are separated by cinderblock walls and strategically placed trees. In Park City the dogs would sometimes get involved in barking conversations that went on between the houses in our neighborhoods. Everyone took their turn, no interruptions and to me - it seemed like a clear passing of information up and down the street. Most of the time this was around moose sightings or certain dogs and their human companions - availing themselves of our yards without picking up. (The dogs not the humans; I hope.) Here in SoCal the dog chitchat seems to be more around announcing it is time for the evening walk and they are on the way (the four Bassett Hounds), the Maltipoo across the street alerting everyone to coyotes in the canyon below and the German Shepherd announcing he has patrolled the streets with his human companion and all is well. The Brown Dog is on alert, either watching through our upstairs bedroom window or the gate by our pool; alternating between greeting people who are part of the regular routine or sounding the alarm on interlopers. And The Black Dog? She is more focused on the weather and making sure all are safe if it is windy or rainy or too hot. Their version of Limbo is like mine, killing the time between gathering information and acting on it.
When you are in my stage of Limbo, you are living with an uninvited guest - Can-sa. In Limbo your mind takes over between doctors appointments and next steps. To keep myself on the positive path I am focusing on seeing things and opening myself up in a way that I never have before. I notice the dogs and their routines. I am, finally, paying attention to the messages my body is sending me and I am developing a new appreciation for the little things the SO does that I may have taken for granted in the past. That is the beauty for me of Limbo. I decided to go with positivity although I certainly have my moments that aren't as positive. Luckily for me I have a very unexpected Can-sa Buddy. Not that my support system isn't doing a great job but sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who has been on, or is on - the same path you are.
My Can-sa Buddy is someone I have had respect for since the day we met. I can't say we've been particularly close but I know when I am around her I really enjoy her company. She was diagnosed with breast Can-sa earlier this year. We spoke about it only a couple of times while she was trying to sort it out; her worries for her family, her job and ability to go through various therapies for a year that weren't initially part of the plan. I had nothing to add to the conversation but support and an ear. Little did I know that one conversation about a week before my own diagnosis prepared me for the events to come.
Now I hate like hell that she has this; but on the other hand - I am so glad to have her to share this experience with. She gets it. And my situation isn't even that bad relatively speaking. We talked the other week and I shared my still unfolding diagnosis with her. One of the challenges I've had is with my body's response to some medications I am on. I've been constantly sick and exhausted which no one foresaw. Lucky me - in the elite tiny group of people who have this reaction. And I am beginning to worry thinking this is supposed to be the easy part. My Can-sa Buddy, aka the CB - understood and was able to talk me through it. (Looking back, I am not sure she knew how stressed I was.) She reminded me to take things a day at a time; to set boundaries and put this first. Reminded me of that one conversation we had which was all about the same issues - for her. She shared her fears with me about her upcoming chemotherapy which was going to start shortly. She also shared her feelings of support and love - from both expected and unexpected places. She reminded me to remain open and calm. We both pull each other up when we need to and allow the comfort of a little breakdown when we need to do that too.
I was at home the other day, working and dealing with some unexpected fallout from a bad food and med mix. I was probably overthinking things. The SO, the family, the dogs and friends, work. It seemed overwhelming. My two canine companions were by my side all day; rotating in and out and resting when I slept. Their presence was very comforting. I kept thanking about my CB too. When we last spoke, only a couple of days ago she was preparing for her first chemo treatment. We laughed about some of the strange things we are experiencing and acknowledged that our paths are different too. After we hung up she sent me a follow up email which I didn't expect at all; it cheered me up. I decided to keep it and remember it as the dogs surround me, the SO does those unexpected things; as the Bonuses, family, friends and Touchstones check in. Now I have the CB to add to this fabulous support system. And I hope I am part of hers too.
"You can do this. It won't be fun. We'll get through it together."
Saturday, March 9, 2013
My Messy Life: Limbo and Dog Days
My Messy Life: Limbo and Dog Days: Here I am in this new chapter of my life that I am starting to think of as Limbo. You know, that period of time where you are waiting and r...
Limbo and Dog Days
Here I am in this new chapter of my life that I am starting to think of as Limbo. You know, that period of time where you are waiting and relying on others for something to happen? In general I am a pretty focused person; I take care of things and keep marching forward. I don't normally live in Limbo; workwise or lifewise. I'm one of those annoyingly positive people who like to problem solve. Which can cause problems in its own way but it is always done out of love.
Patience isn't a strong point of mine either. I get that from those people who raised me and grew up with me. Life meant to be lived and laughed; be in the moment but don't cling to it because there is another moment around the corner. So Limbo is certainly not a state that I do well with; I can't manage it or speed it up. I just have to fill it and manage the way I handle it. I know I have Can-Sa but don't know exactly what we are going to do about it. I know I have to have surgery and now it looks like there could be more treatments but don't know if that is the case or when that will happen. The next big date on my calendar is in two weeks and I feel like I am in Limbo until then.
In my true style I decided I would just fill the time and be as busy as possible. This pleases That Woman aka my mother because she is not an advocate of "just laying around". The problem is that my body, and doctors disagree. My main doctor - The Angel - called me the other day. Now I know the contact numbers I gave started with my office phone, then my cell and finally my home phone. I figured I would rarely be at home; my routine wouldn't change. What I didn't expect was getting sick with a fever which kept me home. I was told to stay home for 24 hours after the fever broke; it was probably just a warning sign that my body was still recovering from my hospital stay. So the phone rings, at home, and the person on the other line says "Good! You are where you are supposed to be!" It is the Angel. We talked about some test results and she asked me how I was feeling about them and the temporary plan of attack. "Are you in?" she asked. "Because I need to know. If you aren't I need to know that too." I told her I was in and game for pushing through this. She asked if the SO was too and then reminded me to rest and said she'll be calling to make sure I am. I need to be in good shape for surgery and beyond. And again, no to the Tummy Tuck suggestion. I checked my other phones later and she hadn't even tried to call them. I guess that is her way of sending me the message about what she thinks the priorities are. I can't imagine what she would've said if she caught me at the office.
As we talked and then hung up the Dogs were by my side. As always. The Brown Dog was laying on the bed and The Black Dog? Right by the side of the bed. Now I know their daily routine has been rocked lately. I've changed my work routine so I am home in the mornings taking conference calls and doing my "office work" and then out in the afternoons for the meetings I need to do in person. This fits with my medicine routine; meds early in the am, nap a little between calls and really nauseous until noonish. Then a manageable sick and tired feeling until 4 or so. I get home and sleep for a couple of hours until the SO arrives then start the whole cycle all over again. The Dogs aren't used to this. I think when we are out of the house they rest and guard the house until we get back but that is it. The Dogwalker usually comes mid-day and they sleep until I get home. Now I am here and they are on duty.
The SO thinks they know I am battling something. He thinks they've known since before we knew because for the last couple of months they've been attached to me. If I was napping, one of them was right there. If I went to the bathroom, or the library as I like to call it - one of them laid by the door until I came out. I have to be honest, it was getting a little annoying. But now I look at it differently.
In our new routine they both watch me while I am feeling the worst. When I start to feel better they take turns. One of them goes outside and patrols the backyard, or sunbathes or has conversations with the neighbors' dogs while the other Dog stays with me. After an hour or so they trade places. This goes on until I leave or the SO gets home. This changing of the guard is handled silently by them. They've assigned themselves their roles and my job is to flow with it. I am starting to get used to The Black Dog's staring at me. When I first got home I slept a lot and she would sit by me. I could feel her breath on me and everytime I opened my eyes - there were hers. Just staring. At me. It freaked me out a little. The Brown Dog? When he is on duty he likes to have body contact with me. Not his full 90 pound body, just a little touch. If I am in bed he is there too - usually positioned so he can watch the street, or sky, or ridgeline out the window. But he always has a paw up touching my leg through the covers. Sometimes he goes for full body contact, usually if I am feverish or cold.
When the SO arrives home the Dogs relax. They play with each other or try to engage him. They play with me too if I am up or energetic. It is like their job shifts from protecting to playful; to keeping us laughing and moving around. At night, they go off duty until the next morning. My old role around here was organizing things, running the routine and taking care of them and the SO. This change from caretaker to being taken care of - not easy for any of us. But apparently easiest for The Black Dog and The Brown Dog. So my new goal related to Limbo is to take it one day at a time. Instead of watching the clock and calendar to note the smaller things and enjoy them. To understand that this nauseous thing is a sign of my body fighting the fight with some medicinal help. It isn't a sign of weakness but strength. And that this in-house support system has always been there, waiting for the right time to jump in.
Patience isn't a strong point of mine either. I get that from those people who raised me and grew up with me. Life meant to be lived and laughed; be in the moment but don't cling to it because there is another moment around the corner. So Limbo is certainly not a state that I do well with; I can't manage it or speed it up. I just have to fill it and manage the way I handle it. I know I have Can-Sa but don't know exactly what we are going to do about it. I know I have to have surgery and now it looks like there could be more treatments but don't know if that is the case or when that will happen. The next big date on my calendar is in two weeks and I feel like I am in Limbo until then.
In my true style I decided I would just fill the time and be as busy as possible. This pleases That Woman aka my mother because she is not an advocate of "just laying around". The problem is that my body, and doctors disagree. My main doctor - The Angel - called me the other day. Now I know the contact numbers I gave started with my office phone, then my cell and finally my home phone. I figured I would rarely be at home; my routine wouldn't change. What I didn't expect was getting sick with a fever which kept me home. I was told to stay home for 24 hours after the fever broke; it was probably just a warning sign that my body was still recovering from my hospital stay. So the phone rings, at home, and the person on the other line says "Good! You are where you are supposed to be!" It is the Angel. We talked about some test results and she asked me how I was feeling about them and the temporary plan of attack. "Are you in?" she asked. "Because I need to know. If you aren't I need to know that too." I told her I was in and game for pushing through this. She asked if the SO was too and then reminded me to rest and said she'll be calling to make sure I am. I need to be in good shape for surgery and beyond. And again, no to the Tummy Tuck suggestion. I checked my other phones later and she hadn't even tried to call them. I guess that is her way of sending me the message about what she thinks the priorities are. I can't imagine what she would've said if she caught me at the office.
As we talked and then hung up the Dogs were by my side. As always. The Brown Dog was laying on the bed and The Black Dog? Right by the side of the bed. Now I know their daily routine has been rocked lately. I've changed my work routine so I am home in the mornings taking conference calls and doing my "office work" and then out in the afternoons for the meetings I need to do in person. This fits with my medicine routine; meds early in the am, nap a little between calls and really nauseous until noonish. Then a manageable sick and tired feeling until 4 or so. I get home and sleep for a couple of hours until the SO arrives then start the whole cycle all over again. The Dogs aren't used to this. I think when we are out of the house they rest and guard the house until we get back but that is it. The Dogwalker usually comes mid-day and they sleep until I get home. Now I am here and they are on duty.
The SO thinks they know I am battling something. He thinks they've known since before we knew because for the last couple of months they've been attached to me. If I was napping, one of them was right there. If I went to the bathroom, or the library as I like to call it - one of them laid by the door until I came out. I have to be honest, it was getting a little annoying. But now I look at it differently.
In our new routine they both watch me while I am feeling the worst. When I start to feel better they take turns. One of them goes outside and patrols the backyard, or sunbathes or has conversations with the neighbors' dogs while the other Dog stays with me. After an hour or so they trade places. This goes on until I leave or the SO gets home. This changing of the guard is handled silently by them. They've assigned themselves their roles and my job is to flow with it. I am starting to get used to The Black Dog's staring at me. When I first got home I slept a lot and she would sit by me. I could feel her breath on me and everytime I opened my eyes - there were hers. Just staring. At me. It freaked me out a little. The Brown Dog? When he is on duty he likes to have body contact with me. Not his full 90 pound body, just a little touch. If I am in bed he is there too - usually positioned so he can watch the street, or sky, or ridgeline out the window. But he always has a paw up touching my leg through the covers. Sometimes he goes for full body contact, usually if I am feverish or cold.
When the SO arrives home the Dogs relax. They play with each other or try to engage him. They play with me too if I am up or energetic. It is like their job shifts from protecting to playful; to keeping us laughing and moving around. At night, they go off duty until the next morning. My old role around here was organizing things, running the routine and taking care of them and the SO. This change from caretaker to being taken care of - not easy for any of us. But apparently easiest for The Black Dog and The Brown Dog. So my new goal related to Limbo is to take it one day at a time. Instead of watching the clock and calendar to note the smaller things and enjoy them. To understand that this nauseous thing is a sign of my body fighting the fight with some medicinal help. It isn't a sign of weakness but strength. And that this in-house support system has always been there, waiting for the right time to jump in.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
My Messy Life: Welcome to the Club; Patience and Sense of Humor R...
My Messy Life: Welcome to the Club; Patience and Sense of Humor R...: I have reached the age that as you hit that milestone birthday people welcome you to the club. I like this club. I am comfortable with it ...
Welcome to the Club; Patience and Sense of Humor Required.
I have reached the age that as you hit that milestone birthday people welcome you to the club. I like this club. I am comfortable with it and am very relaxed about it. So different than the other clubs I participated in over the course of my life but so awesome.
Now I've never been a person to aspire to any sort of elite or exclusive club. Being a military brat my brothers and I spent plenty of time at the Officer's Clubs; swimming and hanging out with our friends, enjoying brunches after Mass or on really special occasions - having dinner there. It was later, as a tween that I became aware of the caste system of the military clubs though my friends whose fathers were non-commissioned or enlisted. That was the beginning of realizing there is a group of people always on the outside looking in.
The bros and I also got our fill of clubs when we'd visit our relatives in NY. I always thought they were quite fancy with the golf clubs and mens' clubs. Our much beloved Uncle D belongs to a club that counts Governors, industry leaders in a variety of fields and yes, even a couple of Presidents among its membership. What I remember about going there was the usual speed shopping trip to find clothes appropriate for dinner there because I rarely packed correctly for those visits much to my mother's chagrin. (I am sure that is why I picked up an addiction to cashmere, good shoes and nice pearls.)
I wasn't the kind of girl who joined a sorority - as a matter of fact the college I attended didn't even have sororities when I was there. I have a number of friends who were sorority girls at other schools and always felt I tasted enough of Greek life through time spent with them on their campuses with their "sisters" and the cute boys who were always around them. But in retrospect, even without sororities my college girlfriends and I felt like sisters (and still do in most cases) and there were plenty of cute boys who were always around.
While I got older I was able to experience other clubs; business clubs, country clubs and airline clubs. I appreciated them all but was fine with, or without them. As I approached, and turned - 50 I felt like I really hit a milestone. No crisis, just a celebration of the age and a more casual outlook. It is a little known secret that this Club is fun to be a part of. I am so happy to be a part of it. As you get close to the age you hear the jokes, you start to look at yourself differently and look at others through that age filter.
Recently I became a member of an exclusive club that 49,999 other women are expected to join in 2013. Talk about limited membership. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer; Stage 1B or possibly 2. I don't know any of these other women but already feel a sisterhood with them; a sense of inside the club versus outside looking in. By comparison - approximately 232,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. The details of my cancer are still unfolding and yes, I view it as my cancer. Just like my glasses, my feet and my arms. It is now a part of me even after it is long gone which btw - it will be in short order.
My BFF and I have decided to refer to it as Can-sa (which is pronounced how I typed it out). Best said in a whisper - ideally while talking about me in the third person to someone else. In front of me. This is straight out of a movie - St. Elmo's Fire and a scene where one of the girls takes her crush to her parents' house for dinner. There he learns that the mother only whispers anything too awful to say out loud such as cancer or prison, with a Queens accent. (I have always loved that movie and scene.) So there you have it.
I am lucky and I've always said so. In this case I am really lucky. Like the other women in my new club the prognosis is very good. If there is a cancer considered curable - this is the one. There might be further treatments after my surgery and I am I sure can handle them. Because I also belong to another ultra exclusive club. This club consists of all of the people in my life. The Bros, Bonuses, Touchstones, Railposts and Fenceposts. Park City friends, work friends, couples friends. The Brown Dog, the Black Dog and most important the SO. I am lucky to belong to this club; the benefits are great and the food is pretty good too.
Now I've never been a person to aspire to any sort of elite or exclusive club. Being a military brat my brothers and I spent plenty of time at the Officer's Clubs; swimming and hanging out with our friends, enjoying brunches after Mass or on really special occasions - having dinner there. It was later, as a tween that I became aware of the caste system of the military clubs though my friends whose fathers were non-commissioned or enlisted. That was the beginning of realizing there is a group of people always on the outside looking in.
The bros and I also got our fill of clubs when we'd visit our relatives in NY. I always thought they were quite fancy with the golf clubs and mens' clubs. Our much beloved Uncle D belongs to a club that counts Governors, industry leaders in a variety of fields and yes, even a couple of Presidents among its membership. What I remember about going there was the usual speed shopping trip to find clothes appropriate for dinner there because I rarely packed correctly for those visits much to my mother's chagrin. (I am sure that is why I picked up an addiction to cashmere, good shoes and nice pearls.)
I wasn't the kind of girl who joined a sorority - as a matter of fact the college I attended didn't even have sororities when I was there. I have a number of friends who were sorority girls at other schools and always felt I tasted enough of Greek life through time spent with them on their campuses with their "sisters" and the cute boys who were always around them. But in retrospect, even without sororities my college girlfriends and I felt like sisters (and still do in most cases) and there were plenty of cute boys who were always around.
While I got older I was able to experience other clubs; business clubs, country clubs and airline clubs. I appreciated them all but was fine with, or without them. As I approached, and turned - 50 I felt like I really hit a milestone. No crisis, just a celebration of the age and a more casual outlook. It is a little known secret that this Club is fun to be a part of. I am so happy to be a part of it. As you get close to the age you hear the jokes, you start to look at yourself differently and look at others through that age filter.
Recently I became a member of an exclusive club that 49,999 other women are expected to join in 2013. Talk about limited membership. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer; Stage 1B or possibly 2. I don't know any of these other women but already feel a sisterhood with them; a sense of inside the club versus outside looking in. By comparison - approximately 232,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. The details of my cancer are still unfolding and yes, I view it as my cancer. Just like my glasses, my feet and my arms. It is now a part of me even after it is long gone which btw - it will be in short order.
My BFF and I have decided to refer to it as Can-sa (which is pronounced how I typed it out). Best said in a whisper - ideally while talking about me in the third person to someone else. In front of me. This is straight out of a movie - St. Elmo's Fire and a scene where one of the girls takes her crush to her parents' house for dinner. There he learns that the mother only whispers anything too awful to say out loud such as cancer or prison, with a Queens accent. (I have always loved that movie and scene.) So there you have it.
I am lucky and I've always said so. In this case I am really lucky. Like the other women in my new club the prognosis is very good. If there is a cancer considered curable - this is the one. There might be further treatments after my surgery and I am I sure can handle them. Because I also belong to another ultra exclusive club. This club consists of all of the people in my life. The Bros, Bonuses, Touchstones, Railposts and Fenceposts. Park City friends, work friends, couples friends. The Brown Dog, the Black Dog and most important the SO. I am lucky to belong to this club; the benefits are great and the food is pretty good too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)